Where Are the Voices of Men: Men's Silence is Men's Violence

Men.  Where are our voices?  Where are we speaking out?  Where are we standing up? 

Women and the LGBTQ community have been observing our fatal silence for quite some time now.  They have told us gently, quietly, angrily and powerfully. When the metoo movement occurred (thank you, Tarana Burke), we chimed in with our tepid support, our questions, our veiled guilt, our stories of trauma, our resistance, our fragility. When the main, deep-heart tsunami wave of metoo settled, we seemed to go back into the shadows, hiding, not even needing to run away as we were already used to being present, but inert in our privilege while still being caustic in our misogyny lukewarm to freezing cold in our activism against rape (anti-)culture, heterosexism, entitlement and patriarchal violence.


Don’t get me wrong.  I see men working at this.  Boston locals Martin Henson of B Men and Jonathan Barry are organizing a workshop series in early 2020 to engage men in our causing of harm in our communities.  This work will be powerful, is necessary and must be joined.  I know of numerous men’s organizations that are dealing with intimacy, power, oppression and emotional maturity in the New England reason.  The work behind two Men’s Gatherings have brought them together to get to know each other as individuals and organizations and to support the work of men toward becoming better men. This work needs to be joined.

That said, so much more needs to be done.  So much more needs to be learned.  So much more needs to be heard.  So much more needs to be said.  And I am concerned for the dearth, the violent silence of men’s voices speaking up on behalf of women and LGBTQ lives and security.  I am concerned for the silence of men around our needs to grow, to deepen to broaden, to become stronger in our vulnerability and insight on our thinking, behaviors and energies.

How many African and indigenous women, other Women of Color have to disappear, be kidnapped, be trafficked, be killed before European/white men speak out and step up on their behalf?  How many children need to be groomed and sexually engaged online, predated upon in real time and space by adult men before we as men speak out and step up on their behalf?  How many women and girls and other need to be raped and assaulted before men speak out and step up on their behalf?  How many more wives and LGBTQ partners have to be the survivors (or not) of men’s domestic violence?  How many women who simply say no to men wanted to dance or meet or have sex with them have to be assaulted or killed….yes, killed for saying no?


Reportedly, 5 million women in India recently formed a human chain 385 miles long to protest patriarchal men’s violence in that country. Where was the line of five million men behind them?

Written by Ukumbwa Sauti, M.Ed. facilitator and presenter for Men's Work, an initiative of the World Ancestor Concert Team.

Ukumbwa Sauti, a producer of the World Ancestor Concert, program developer, workshop facilitator and educator, can be reached at mojamediaworks [at] gmail [dot] com or at his personal email, ukumbwa [at] gmail [dot] com. Mention Where Are the Voices of Men in the subject line.

Thank you.

Tonight's Men's Work Open Discussion Experience

I went in to this evening off of a call with four great men with whom I'd co-created a men's gathering of about 35 men mostly all of whom were in or organizing men's groups. I was only able to stay on the call for ten minutes as I had an event to prep for tonight and my printer needed maintenance, I had gotten busy with some daily work and I had woken up super-fatigued and depleted. I hadn't eaten all day, riding on one cup of coffee.

The call left me warm, emotional and rushed as I felt pressed to get necessary things done for the Men's Work discussion event. My partners on the call made sure they shared their appreciations of me after I gave brief (rushed and incomplete, though heartfelt) impressions of our gathering of men the previous weekend. I was grateful for my short call attendance and broken open emotionally as I really needed personal support in that moment. Deeply grateful.

As I left the house to catch my approaching bus, I committed to getting another cup of coffee before getting to the Democracy Center, a modern, fleeting nod to self care. Luckily the bus moved swiftly against rush hour directional flows, so I also had time to stop and get those chocolate kisses candies, which I choose for Men's Work because I think it's clever that I give kisses to men seeking to address patriarchy inside and outside of themselves (I tell them that during sessions).

But I actually got there early and set up the space impeccably with directional signs, warm lighting and ample varied seating options, all my materials set up including some recently scored swag from The Network La Red, an organization supporting assault survivors in the LGBTQ community and beyond. I set up this series of Open Discussions to invite people into communal engagement around issues and experiences with patriarchy, misogynoir/misogyny, rape culture and related issues. No confirmation or RSVP required.

The first attendee came in. He had emailed me previously to confirm the event and had met me at another feminist-oriented discussion series I help organize. We greeted and settled into principled conversation amidst discussion of the projected time of the event and other things. It was about 6:55pm and the discussion was scheduled for 7pm. He asked if he got the time wring. I assured him he hadn't.

For the next hour and a half we shared experiences and critique of the system of patriarchy and the culture we lived inside of, international cultural differences, media portrayals, personal feelings, ideas about the struggle against patriarchy in general and specific, the nature, positive and negative, of social media on that struggle, how social media relates to on the ground behavior amongst a number of other key things that seemed so profound and important.

It was exactly the kind of sharing and discussion I intend into these spaces. We shared how important it was to have people talk and relate and learn in person as the space where real advancements occur. He shared his cynicism along with my pragmatic idealism with regard to the effectiveness of online engagement. And the dynamics of in-person sharing from our minds and hearts were clear, powerfully, to both of us. I shared my desire that that discussion we created could have been shared with ten or fifteen other people, the diverse gathering of liberators I fantasize about all so often for this world.

I was so grateful, am so grateful for his generosity, humanity, intelligence, conviction and time spent, shared with me for all the above reasons, what feel like very good reasons. I project and intend for the spaces I create to be full of authentic, caring, justice and compassion-motivated humanity, many of these spaces populated by men willing to go there, too, regardless of numbers, though I also intend greater numbers within these spaces.

There are issues of language, communication, timing, energy that I seek to become wiser, more "skillful" in. I seek to be better in my invitations to people who are like me and who aren't, in whatever way that expresses itself. I seek to guide people to the power of communal sharing and commitment to change to a world healed by loving, principled intent and hard work.

And I wish many others to be a part of conversations like I was gifted with tonight.